To Be or Not to Be...Forthright

As a human, the closest I have ever come to being truly forthright is writing a poem for someone, positing it anonymously, and not sending her a link to it. Once I waited til someone kissed me, then I wrote her a cryptic poem and gave it to her. Does that count?

That is so far from close, it might as well be back in my star system.

I am new at this...not at being frank or open, but at being forthright one-on-one with someone I am either attracted to, or love, or am fascinated by, or think is cool, or anyone at all one on one. I guess part of the problem is I have not felt this particular way before so I cannot describe it to myself or anyone else. Being 100% real with my specific, exact thoughts, my questions, my feelings, from a place of total embarrassingly messy authenticity is hard when they aren't really clear in my own head. And it isn’t just that I try to be eloquent beyond all reason to make myself and my motives seem lofty. It’s that when I have even come close to being truly forthright (when romantic partners or potential romantic partners are involved), I have done it to get them to do something I want, or, to get them to open up to me. Not fearlessly. Ugh I hate admitting this.

I am not a horrible person, I am stuck here as a human. We come with this damn ego. This means that we basically need to look good at all costs. Not look good as in wearing Chanel…look good as in appear to be on the up and up--as if we are a good person. Instead of being honest that we are ridiculously weird, want weird things, feel weird, think weird thoughts, we try to prove we are totally perfect and normal by twisting things in that direction, or by cleverly cloaking them.

Of course the inherent problem with this in relationships is that we do all this stuff, and say all this stuff, to appear normal, but we are really weird. And when I say weird I mean we are unique. That’s the thing about humans. No matter how much cloning or DNA engineering we do, no matter how much higher technology we use, no matter how much our societies try to enforce “norms” or condition their members, every single human is completely and wholly unique.

Yesterday, I said to my 15 year old student, “I am having dinner with my mom's friend. She is opinionated, and her heart is always in the most honest space.” He says, “Well, every person is opinionated in some way or another, so you’ll be good.” Then he added, “As long as you don’t bring up politics.”

Ahhh I learn more from my students than they’ll ever learn from me.

The truth is, we are all weird to all the others. Some are definitely more “out there” and others definitely appear to be “a regular, run-of-the-mill person”—but put two run-of-the-mill people next to each other, same age, same physical characteristics, same socio-economic level, same job, same background, same type of lifestyle, and you will be shocked at how inherently different they actually are.

So, I have not figured out the deep-seated importance humans seem to put on being “normal.” The ego is there to make us appear awesome--to protect us from rejection. It doesn’t power weird as much as it does perceived normal-based exceptional coolness. It might go with a minor "loudness" of some trait for effect, but it doesn't mean it. I have found that this appearance of awesomeness is transient, for that ego-driven coolness is an act—all the world’s a stage—and all great plays must come to an end.

If a person acts out of a need to be perceived in a certain way, it is a prevarication…it is not the human’s true self. It doesn’t often hold their actual values, morals, true wishes or dreams, or even their happiness (which is a huge deal on this planet…Google it if you don’t believe me). And if they are acting, others, except psychics, can only respond to the actor, not to the person behind it. They can only fall in love with the actor. They can only help the actor achieve the actor’s dreams. They can only make love to the actor. Even a doctor can only medicate the actor. They cannot heal the human. They cannot help the human. They cannot make love to the human. And the irony is that the human is acting because they need help being cool, being okay, being happy, being healthy, being loved, being understood.

This acting (okay my acting…specifically my horrible, worse than a zombie movie acting) presents several issues in the actor and audience. First, because the audience does not believe in themselves, and they tell the actor this, instead of accepting their honesty, the actor insists they should believe in themselves. It is up to her to play the part and get them to do so! (As with most actors, she thinks she's the director...and she so isn't). The intended audience will be eternally grateful for her and everyone will live happily ever after!

Or not.

Second, the actor feels not happy when she cannot make them believe in themselves just because she believes in them. Third, the actor doesn’t bother at all saying what she wants or needs or likes because she is so busy acting and “helping them.” Fourth, the actor doesn’t get what she wants or needs or likes because that would rely on the audience buying into her role, which they don’t, because it is such bad acting. Fifth, the actor is acting. Without offering honestly her own flaws and weirdnesses, without kicking her ego to the curb, she cannot honestly love, nor can she honestly receive love into her true self. She knows IF they love her, they love her role…not her. So, 6th, she feels unloved, unappreciated, and lots more un’s.

The audience, on the other hand, is loved for what she sees in them. For their potential. Their flaws, which they’ve been pretty up front about, are ignored. Which means they feel she ignores their uniqueness. It also means their perceived negative weirdness is not valued, so they are even more afraid to show it. They are not loved because of their uniqueness or in spite of their flaws. They are an ego-based project and they know it. When they cannot live up to the actor’s expectations, they feel even worse about themselves than they did in the first place! The actor has failed to engage her audience, her performance felt “put on,” in fact, if she were on American Idol…

She'd have gotten at least 30 minutes of reaming out, and would have deserved more.

When “forthright” comes from a space of pretense, or imagined superiority, aka from ego, it is false. And the only way around this is something Shakespeare, the ultimate playwright, knew long ago,

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This above all—to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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Alas, all my 44 years I have acted in relationships. Not in friendships as much, and certainly not in my career. Which is why I have many great friendships and such an amazing and successful career. Yes, from the space of acting, with my Ego as the director of my dramatic production (and it is a drama, perhaps a comedy of errors, or more likely, a tragic drama), I have entered all six relationships upon false pretenses. I say entered, but I didn’t actually make a choice to enter any of them. I just hopped on board when someone else did.

Would you like to know my type-cast? It is brilliant! I come from a family of theatre majors, and I have studied Uta Hagen and Sanford Meisner and Stella Adler…my mom actually studied with them personally! So, I am very highly educated in the art of acting. And my character’s role is an amalgam of the deepest archetypes as such.

The Character:

The Tragic Heroine.

The Savior (of those who are lost, down-trodden, and unloved.

The Sage.

The Wise Fool.

The Rescuer.

Charismatic, smart, giving beyond reason (aka doormat). Always onto something new. Shocked and dismayed when her brilliant aid went unused. Also she never said no. She was cloaked in positivity (she once wrote: My damned good moods are so like gloves). She even wrote a book on it, as all good actors do. She was tortured internally, constantly questioning, “why, if she was so wonderful, did no one ever love her back in the way she wanted them to…why did no one ever care enough to make her feel important to them?” She would singlehandedly light up a stage, make anyone she loved feel as if they were the only person on the planet, and yet, she never received the personal accolades from the ones she “loved.” She just delighted in making them feel good. The POWER was AWESOME. Her intentions were good, she truly did want to make a difference…to help others. She truly did want others’ lives to be easier than hers was. But she didn't bother studying her own life first. It took her six relationships like this before she realized, maybe after finding herself with six people in three different states doing pretty much the exact same thing, it wasn’t them, it was her.

The Plot: My first monologue is a treatise on how the antagonist is lovable. I find all the wonderful parts about them, and highlight those. Then, dialogue ensues, where they basically assure me they are not. I continue, determined and tenacious, to change them into lovable—to help them. Somewhere between the span of six months to 4 years, I realize, they were right. They are SO NOT lovable!!! I inform them haughtily of why they are impossible to love, as if they didn't already know this, and move on to the next damsel in distress/victim. Of course the character I play truly does see the good in these people. She enjoys helping them have strength. But she doesn't ever ask for that in return. The protagonist is supposed to only have one flaw, so asking the "antagonist" for things seems counterintuitive. Finally it all culminates when the actor realizes she really does think someone is amazing, this person is not an antagonist, and she realizes they are playing the role of save-ee anyways--that she cannot be loved as an equal.

[actor notes: character is being honest here, not beating herself up. She sees the truth of what she has done. She did not intentionally act this way, she fell into it to protect herself from not feeling important—lovable. She is being brutally forthright, and perhaps a little dramatic, as she always really thought she had the purest of noble intentions.]

The Climax: There isn’t one.

The Denouement: At least three people hate her. As they should. Several people still wish she had finished the job. As she should have if she accepted it in the first place. Understudies always suck. She is alone, and has no family, and is forced to sit with herself. Basking in her lifelong sham. She also has the opportunity to grow. She has the opportunity to speak her truth, and take immediate consequences (which are much better than four year ones). She has the opportunity to begin making choices and being clear about those with others. She has the opportunity to be who she really is, to be awesome enough to handle that everyone won't always love that person, and few will see themselves as her equal (positively or negatively), and she has the chance to truly love someone because she can finally love herself.

Exeunt.

CAREER CHANGE.

She realized acting was not her forté. And so “real human” has become her only job. To be “forthright” from the honest weird space of her actual self. But can she do it? Can she do it without acting? No costumes? No external influences? No audience to impress?

Doing so, changing my m.o., is not easy. I am choosing it at all costs, but it is not easy. I am doing it out of a simple wish to align who I am with who I seem to be, to be real, and I will not allow myself to fall back to doing it as an attempt to trick someone into telling me how they feel—or to manipulate someone into loving me or being my friend. I want a different kind of relationship now. I want equal friendships. And as for a partner? It would have to be one who does not subscribe to a "relationship" that I've ever seen. And I know what I need to do to have that opportunity. It is up to me to change, to be saved, to change the rules, and no one else.

And as I change them for me, how do I share them with those I feel connected to? How would my rules affect her?? I do care about that, you know. I would be most comfortable just saying all this. But they write articles about "Oversharing" on this planet. You are supposed to communicate, but you cannot overshare. Idk what this means, tbh.

See, in my home species, we do not do any talking...we communicate automatically from our thoughts when we have them—only if there is a need to do so. We hear these things automatically from others because we are in tune with each person's vibration. We are very simple, and pure in our intents, so we have no use for complex language, or out loud language. We do have written language, which is probably why, as an earthling, I do better if I am writing. I am often sending energy and communicating as we do in my world, and I forget some humans do not pick up on this. And when people (pretty much most humans) are fear-based or guarded with me, I am often confused by their communications. I am afraid a lot, but more of the reaction of someone who is unable to open a clear communication route with me.

In an ironic twist of fate (and quite an unfair one since they totally could have downloaded this ability to me from home), as capable as I am when I choose to engage consciously with someone in a 2-way communication with energy, I have zero gaydar, and positively no concept of whether someone is interested in me "in that way"—or not—unless they say so out loud. And I tend to ignore the energy and wait for words. Why? It's hypocritical. I'm stopping that.

I wonder if this is my challenge so that I will finally throw off the veil and decide, and say if I am interested in someone—without (and I shiver to my bones even at the mere idea of this) knowing how they think of me???

The good news is, I do not feel rejected when someone says they are not interested in me in “that” way, I feel relieved that I at least know. I respect them for being open. Why in the World wouldn't people just want to know clearly so they can know how to proceed? It's beyond my comprehension because I cannot have assurance if I do not ask. If I do not offer. If I do not risk.

The thing is, I am nice. and respectful, and I don't want to push anyone on my views. And one of the problems with Earth is that they seem to really care which gender you hold hands with. Or watch football with. Or sleep with. Or have drinks with. Especially in the middle parts of the United States. I have usually wanted a woman in this department, when the accepted deal here would be for me to want a man. So, another problem in forthrightness arises in that we do not wear name tags saying if we like female, male, or are ambidextrous. And I hate labels. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THAT? I think sexuality is fluid. We love souls, not body parts. Most humans get too freaked by this though--even though there are new "official studies" out which prove something like 85% of women "could easily" have a relationship (physical included) with a woman under the right circumstances. But anyways,

It may be shocking or horrible to some females to "date," kiss, or eventually make love to a female. It may not be. Many have tried to be with the accepted opposite gender, and found it's not their happy place. But, knowing that isn't one's happy place and calling oneself gay, wearing rainbow t-shirts, and marching in parades are two wholly different things. It annoys me endlessly that these are the supposed "only two choices." So, if a woman might ponder the idea that she could find happy places with with a woman...namely me...I would have no way of knowing that. And AS this woman, I certainly wouldn't announce it outright. So, if I am just forthright and ASK "would you consider sleeping with a woman?" it's considered impolite, and is potentially downright disrespectful, not to mention shocking, and/or potentially causing all sorts of emotional issues and panic to surface. It seems ridiculously counterintuitive to me. And, since I am nice and respectful, this puts me in a bit of a quandary, doesn't it?

So forthrightness is tricky for this particular human, and because of all these odd-ball rules from 2000 years ago, I'd assume, for most all of them.

Simply put, I talk too much without saying anything, and if I write, I often go down rabbit holes instead of making my point quickly. (hahaaaa Simply Put...ahhhahahaaaaaa). I do this out of a fear of upsetting the apple cart.

I skirt, I hedge, I dawdle...in fact, how about that? I have now been doing exactly that for six pages!

What this was supposed to be was my first real attempt to be forthright—about my thoughts and (Bob help me) my feelings. I should probably get started on this. Wait WHAT APPLE CART? Why is there always an apple cart? Why can't we just communicate simply and clearly when there's a need? Okay, anyways, wish me luck.

Alien AFK…

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On Writing Forthrightly:

Looking at my attempts at forthrightness in writing, they often start out at over 5 pages. Hmmmm. I’m not an expert, clearly, but that seems inherently too long to be straightforward.

I need to write through all my fears and justifications first, maybe? That is ridiculous…5 pages!!! So much explaining! So much defending! So MUCH WORD-NESSES!!!

True words, from the heart words, and too many words. A lot of them are driven by the need to be respectful, or not shocking. This is okay motivation wise, but still, they need to be driven simply by speaking my truth with integrity and openness. Not to get someone else to talk back. Innately this will be respectful because without doing it, I am being disingenuous.

In each paragraph, there are always one or two sentences which are purely justifications.

Taking those out.

I take out more sentences which indicate my “future” perceptions, basically conjectures about how I would feel if ______ happened, and thus these cannot be truth in the “in the now” sense. I then run into a redundancy. I take that out.

I also run up against something else. I am poetic. I like intrigue. I like beauty. I AM these things. Of course, what this translates to is sometimes shrouding my intent. I also tell a story or two here and there as metaphors. I think (idk if I am correct here) these stories show (as opposed to tell) a lot about my true feelings. I mean, there is a reason Jesus spoke in parables, right?

I need to be brave enough to be forthright, but I honestly do not want to communicate as if I am a human “assembly instructions manual.” I like me, I like that I am poetic and that I use literary allusions and metaphors, symbolism and imagery?! I didn't spend 18 years in school to learn all that just to not use it! It would not be me if it was not somewhat flowy? So, I leave in the poetic style, and the story, and tighten it up a bit in form by preceding it with: I want, or I would like, or I choose. And I follow it with a direct question. After I have been open, if I want to know, I need to ask. I am not sure this is a good thing because asking a question like this insinuates I believe I need to know others' thoughts to live my life. Just because my people already do know others' thoughts does not mean I need to know them now.

My only question here becomes: Am I precluding the “enjoy the journey” theory by insisting on saying stuff? I think the journey is most enjoyed when it's openly and actively connected upon (or sent back and forth through eye contact and energy).

Um…

It’s usually still a page long.

I am so mad at myself!! WHY CAN’T I BE DIRECT???

So,the last time I wrote from this mission of directness, as I stared into space being annoyed with myself, I somehow got to thinking about this one experience my sister had.

She was at a party once where this guy kept staring at her friend. He was sitting in the corner and seemed to be writing something but they could not tell for sure. Finally, as the party was winding down, he walked up and handed her a Post-It note. It said, “If you want a hot guy, Give me a try, You are hot.” and his phone number followed. Now THAT is concise. To the POINT! He said it all, on a Post-It!!

Let’s see…”If you want a hot girl, give me a whirl. You are hot.” ??? Yes? DANGIT—the point of forthrightness was being true to myself. The idea I’d finally be open with who I am, even in the face of almost certain rejection? Truth: I am just too poetic and romantic for the post-it. Althoughhhh…..I am fun and quirky too…

You gotta admit though…the Post-It itself would be extremely direct! She could call and say, “I got your note…so I am calling.” And I could say, “…” what??? What would I say? “I am glad I got to tell you you were hot." LOL...I have no clue what I would say.

I want to give up.

So, at this point I do give up. I take a break, sleep, or work on something with my hands.

It now occurs to me that I could offer options. Since all are me, whether I like how forthright I am or not. I now have a 1. Post-It, 2. a page, 3. a 6 pager, and 4. an entire website by me, the alien, with blog.

“I have come to a space in my life where being forthright is vital to me. I no longer choose to dawdle around the meaning of life. I do very much adore and love mystery and intrigue—from a space of authenticity. Would you like the Post-It version, the concise version, the poetic and unabridged version, or the cryptic mysterious version? They are all pieces of me, good, magical, bad, and I am sure, ugly. And which version would you give me about yourself?”

Man. That was brilliant. And that is exactly where I am. 4 versions of me.

And it just hit me. I don't know my one truth. I have not explored it enough. I would never question how to say something if I truly meant it. So maybe my first attempts should revolve around getting to know me? Maybe it's not that I am not forthright, but that I am not knowledgable about my thoughts, feelings, intentions, goals, intuition, and logic? Maybe, forthrightness isn't a thing without inner forthrightness? Ahhh, the belief I need to say something, the belief I need to know someone else's anything, believing alllll these thoughts which cause me pain. It is time for The Work. Yep. You heard me.

www.thework.com and Byron Katie

Our attachment to believing a thought causes us suffering.

1. Thought causing you pain: I cannot be concise with _____ (insert person here)?

2. Question that. Is it true? Of course not. I say, "How was your day" to her, that's concise. I say, "I love that painting!" That was concise.

3. How do I feel when I believe that thought? Horrible.

4. Who would I be without that thought? Free! Happy! I could just say stuff easily!

Now turn it around 3 times:

1. I cannot be concise with me. S*&^ ITS TRUE! 3 ways I am not concise with me[insert those here].

2.She cannot be concise with me. Maybe? I have no way of knowing this.

2.5. Different turnaround: I can be concise with me. Yes, I can. 3 specific examples...

3. I can be concise with her (see above, I am all the time!).

So what sticks? Usually it's the turnaround that makes me laugh and go, SERIOUSLY??

We have a winner: BE CONCISE WITH ME FIRST. BAM.

And this works on every single painful thought from "My Mom should take care of her health more" to "My mother should get a dog" to "Bob should not be so rude" to "Jan should listen to me more" to "Jen should text back more." IT ALWAYS WORKS. It should be called TheItAlwaysWork-s.

Question our thoughts, question ourselves, free ourselves from the pain of arguing with what is. Lovely. Off to do more "work" (which actually always ends in laughter and so could also be called the "fun").

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Okay. I'll be sitting still and noticing every time I uncomfortable (then doing the work) if anyone needs me.

Alien AFK.

How would you be more forthright? Less so? What could you gain? What could you lose? What is stopping you? What would you find out? Who is worth being forthright for? Are you worth it?

#advice #alien #dare #earth #energy #friend #humanity #kindness #lesbian #love #questions #real #selflove #SOULMATES #you #40s #Now