Memoirs: Match Point on my Life Here...

7-9-07

Relationship with Narcissist?

Check.

Found your soulmate-psyche!!!

Check.

Completely shattered heart?

Check.

Rebound with meaningless relationship?

Check.

Found out I had amazing friends? Check.

Lost my Gallbladder in the deal?

Check.

(it's okay, turns out humans don't actually need those anyways)

Alien part deux is going to be a wild ride. It has only so far been an interesting journey from above. Now we get down and dirty with it.

This is the part where life is good for me. This is the time for love and peace and passion to meet in a swirl of scarlet and violet and verdant blossoms of Truth and Beauty.

The past is no longer what it was, it holds no power over me. The past is exactly what it was, and is my life as much as anything. The present is certainly an amalgam of my past and future, to say the least. And linear time is nowhere to be found, as I learn nothing and everything from all I have and haven’t done.

I only know that peace is in the present and no where else, even though it exudes its serenity over the non complacent and accepted moments of my life.

Where is the gap between being certain in my quest (ions) and being presented with something I’ve seen before but not quite? If it comes back, do I accept that, allow that or forge ahead saying only, “oh yes, what a beautiful road, I remember that one well, and yet it is not the road I expected or wished to see...so I shall pass it, arguing that the importantly joyous and peaceful road must still be up ahead somewhere.

At what point do I stop travelling and sit a while under a baobab tree? And I so love everyone I have no idea how to pick some one. There is nothing I don’t love about every woman who wanders by my organic and composted gardens. Why do I pick traits and insist on them when the only goal is to be loved–I know it is.

I can argue the choices are all to find a partner, an equal to charge through this life with, but I know down where the lantana grows, I am happy alone.

I love this world. I love every blade of grass and piece of rock with an energetic wildness I don’t think has ever been here. There is not a moment of time I do not embrace and hug tightly and swirl around in ecstasy and then release with pure unadulterated life to the Universe. She was one of the first people I’ve met who I felt had that passion without an underlying sadness. Then I saw really only resolution to lose. I wonder if she is really like that or if I only wished she was?

And yet, my intensity reminds me of my selfishness. I am so wrapped up in each moment of what I want, that I demand unsightly and ungodly things of others. I whirl past my family, they say brightening their days, but I almost wonder if they need a long dark nap after it’s done. This world was made for me, and I for it...or I wouldn’t be here I know, but at what expense? What trail must I leave of overwhelmed people behind me to follow my mission?

I was born so much myself that I do not put the world aside for anyone (consistently). I am the Force incarnate and perhaps need someone less wild than me to buffer society from this crashing intensity. And yet, there are so many times I have seen myself drop everything for others in need. I want that balance of givingness and maintenance of self. I really do want it all, not out of greed but because that is simply who I am.

It is odd to be this human and I am thoroughly impressed and completely disgusted by it at the same time. My behavior says: I am but a selfish child incapable of a “real” supportive and loving relationship with anyone. My co-dependent heart says, I could be the Light for so many people, giving to them and leading them on their ways with such gentle lovingkindess they wouldn’t even feel scared for a minute. I would do that in a second if some unseen force would let me.

I want to be that loving and gentle with my mom and sister and dad too (prophecy-fwd 2009-14). What can I do to incorporate who I must be with who I actually am and who I want to be and who I act as if I am?

I want to say here that I am so passionate about everyone that my discrepancy is often broken.

What will I think of next? Where can I hide? And excuse me, can you tell me what time it would be if we were on Mars?

5 in the mo-o-ooorning (Ani DiFranco)

#kindness #love #alien #universe #poetry #30s