NO SOULMATES | NO MARRIAGE

Earth | Bound Alien
Apr 29, 2017
26 min read

april 29 2017

and what's wrong with "Happily Ever After"...

Are you the new person drawn toward me? To begin with, take warning - I am surely far different from what you suppose; Do you suppose you will find in me your ideal? Do you think it so easy to have me become your lover? Do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy'd satisfaction? Do you think I am trusty and faithful? Do you see no further than this façade—this smooth and tolerant manner of me? Do you suppose yourself advancing on real ground toward a real heroic man? Have you no thought, O dreamer, that it may be all maya, illusion? -Walt Whitman

I was thinking about my recent no soul-mate and no marriage theories. And I realized there was a lot more to them than a passing snarky comment. I understood the concept of marriage was not a soulmate kind of arrangement. And, I had defensively reverted to the concept that there is no single soul-mate fairy tale person for us out there. The inherent issue with fairy tales is they tell the adventure of coming together, then skip over the rest of our lives part with a dismissive “happily ever after.” What the heck is happily ever after?

I think humans have tried to live as if the physical attraction they have initially for someone should drive marriage—often within a couple years—and I don't see how that could work. Maybe if our only goal was primeval procreation--it would work for that...but haven't we evolved at all? I think once people are married, their last goal together, if any, is to have kids, raise the kids, and then they don’t have another goal. How did this step by step monstrosity take over the people I care about? It's like the steps are "get to know them" (sort of) then get married. Without a more noble goal in common, it just goes to nothing. And in my never-married past, whenever I thought I’d met someone exciting, I was really just lonely or didn't want to look at myself, so I would just follow whoever seemed interested or “needed me.” Obviously, THAT doesn’t work either. I've never consciously chosen someone to be with as a true equal partner. Not once. I don't know that I'd ever met someone I felt I should make that choice for? And most of my married friends consciously got married, maybe had kids, but that was it for the consciously choosing part.

Instead of having an "end goal" that is tangible or traditional, couldn't we have an overarching goal that is continuous? Perhaps one of constant wild exploring together?

And, as for the soulmate thing...I think we can trick ourselves into thinking someone’s a "soulmate" at any juncture if we are attracted to them physically or if we are avoiding our own life/issues…just because they are handy and we are attracted to them. You know super manipulative people eerily resemble a soulmate since they seem to know us so well. This is something at which I have been very good--allowing these people in. I don't want to lie to myself anymore because I feel incomplete. I want completeness in ME first. So what is a traditional soulmate? Or what is the soulmate ideal we desperately want? And why doesn't it happen as a lasting relationship? The "common view" is it's someone we are sexually attracted to, someone who seems to know us, and someone with whom everything is easy—no arguing, lots of fun and passion, right? Well I just described every relationship for the first 2-6 months. Some new age people say a soulmate is a mirror, so a true soulmate will provide a lot of conflict for you until you "get it." Then there are twin flames, a whole other can of wax (or whatever). No matter what old idea we have of soulmates, here’s the thing…how often are we being 100% open and authentic about who we are when we meet someone? Then, what percentage would that be when we meet someone we are attracted to? How often do we “act” so they will like us or so they will do what we want? And we may think we love them, but they can’t love us—they don’t even know us. They love our façade. And when the façade fades and life gets real, and raw, they’re unhappy with us because “we’ve changed.” Soulmates has nothing to do with it.

So if not expecting a soulmate, or a marriage, with no shared vision other than “living happily ever after” —what’s a "girl" to do?

I think there are people we could live exciting lives with...people more like a "soulmate" than a marriage partner… but the way we've decided marriage is in our society makes the two mutually exclusive. I thought of this because of someone I know who is my intellectual idol—she said most create an individual life with their career early on—that the husband usually does this independently of the wife, before or while they are first together, and it leads to separate lives. So now, we have two people with two different goals, and perhaps only one common goal of giving the kids a great life, and no goals for their relationship. Not what I am goin’ for.

Long have you timidly waded

Holding a plank by the shore,

Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,

To jump off in the midst of the sea,

Rise again, nod to me, shout,

And laughingly dash with your hair.

-Walt Whitman

And what is the deal about humans focusing on the goal of "staying with someone forever"? What a stupid goal. Unless you've created other enjoyable goals meanwhile, that one can get to be really annoying, really quickly. In and of itself, it's ridiculous in that it requires the highly improbable assumption we will both accidentally change and grow in ways that make staying together the most beautiful option. Couldn't we focus on changing and growing in our own ways with someone who's as adaptable as we are to where that might lead?

And then I think about how most men (I personally know three exceptions...) inherently cannot appreciate or fathom what a wife or mother does—much less the extent to which she does it. That bothers me. It bothers me that a career and money-making gets equated with everything most women do in a marriage because these aren't even in the same realm. I see how the idea is maybe that the man does what he is good at and the woman uses her strengths in child raising...but neither ends up respecting and appreciating the other's contributions. The man simply cannot see what the woman fully does (hint: it is not just keep supper on the table and the house clean). The woman begins to resent that somehow all his stuff gets top billing (even the women who do want the perceived status or the BMW that the money brings). Further, if he "works so hard" because he goes to an office 8 hours a day, he should get to relax, and do his thing, and have the woman care for him when he gets home, or cater to him even. She is expected to handle every crisis with the kids, and she notices and handles the ones no one else even notices (a daughter who seems to be shutting down, a son who is hiding that he is gay, a daughter who begins one tiny little minuscule thing that the mom recognizes might turn very bad very fast if she doesn't address it, and so on). Rarely do the husbands step in unrequested and notice or manage any of these. And sometimes they address it superficially if the wife "nags" them to. Not always, but men tend to see things as "no big deal" and women as "a huge deal." Without prior communication in this, they will not be a team with the kids and the kids get conflicting advice and observations. It can be a downward spiral.

And by the way, when is the wife's down time? When does she get catered to? And by whom? And how many women are under the impression they need to learn to "take time for themselves," to nurture themselves"? Is it that they don't nurture themselves because they are too busy catering to him, or that he doesn’t make the effort to nurture her—to return that which she has given to him, or both? His "cater to me" is often sex (not as a connection but as something to benefit him-she may or may not enjoy it after the new wears off), going as his sidekick to the events he wants to go to, being 100% present with him at home, or worse—him expecting her to be there while he is home in case he needs her—but meanwhile, she should leave him alone to do whatever he wants. Or maybe, she caters to him by making him dinner, which maybe she enjoys as an expression of her appreciation of his hard work? But the only catering she gets is flowers for Mother's Day, a birthday dinner she doesn't cook, and ultimately what she has given herself--alone. How is that okay? I have never liked it.

Are married women in this situation victims? Didn't make their own choices that put them here? And under what guise are they staying? What drove them initially to make the marriage choice? The answer: If you are female, you get married...period. Society demands this so intently that it is miserable to choose not to get married...on this I speak from experience...even for LGBTQ's. Plus if you aren't married at a certain point you have few friends because they all have their married friends now. So, who nurtures the unmarried woman looking for her soulmate?

One of the great injustices in the world is this: men rarely truly nurture their marriage partner. I don't dislike men for this, but this is a huge reason I have mostly chosen women. I think women more naturally accept and offer mutual nurturing, mutual appreciation, are more willing to be equal partners, and are capable of a true (and to me almost otherworldly) connection by making love—being wholly present with one another, offering themselves to one another, sharing this energy—not just having sex. I know some men are capable of this and choose it. What I see more often, though, is a man who has his own personal goal and wants a "good woman" to support him in that. I see men, as marriage progresses, usually have more ego-based actions, and less compassionate ones--so they are less likely to consider their wife's feelings (and when they do ask her, and she answers, they negate them or dismiss them), much less her needs sexually. I see a lot of women just give up altogether when dismissed like this, and become a married zombie. I think society conditions men this way. And I think society conditions women to accept it.

And so my question remains, if not marriage—if not soulmates—then what?

If you just do the traditional marriage thing (comfortable, unfulfilling, but boundaries are set, life is fairly straightforward, albeit maybe boring since there are no adventures really, but you know, low-stress and predictable) how do you have sex? SERIOUSLY! How can you go there if you're so disengaged? I can't. And if you do the soulmate thing…you’re actually waiting 95% of the time on that deal at the very least, so…when do you have sex? I’m dead serious. I don’t want to be celibate…and I don’t want to have sex alone, which I realize is totally possible but not exactly fulfilling as your full time goto either (no, don’t email me with your sage wisdom on “self-love,” I am good, I assure you). So if we are stuck in a traditional marriage or hanging out ’til our soulmate shows up, where do attraction and LIFE come in?

Nietzsche quote "and those who were seen dancing"

I am like a camel when it comes to sex, I can go years without it, but I don't want to. It's just that I no longer feel good having it unless I feel loyalty to and connection with someone—and I seem to feel this because I feel mentally and emotionally safe being myself with them, and I sense they are the same with me (yes, I’ve tried it just to keep the relationship going, no that doesn’t work, yes I've tried the surface sex-friends with benefits thing too, it brought me nothing worthwhile). I cannot stand the idea of random affairs anymore—so vapid and just sex—which means it’s likely not even good sex (in my book), so what’s the point? I'm not saying we don't need a couple of these as experiments in our 20's or maybe to match our Corvette during our mid-life crisis, but beyond this, it mostly leaves me feeling empty and worthless. Plus I am so monogamous that I can't even look at actors as hot when I am committed to someone--so I'd be horrible at the whole polyamorous thing.

I now choose a truer connection. But how can anyone combine a true connection, brilliant intellectual equality, amazing sex, deep friendship, and amazing appreciation to become a team of 2 passionate adventurers with all society's weird and useless rules? It wouldn't look like anything humans are used to...it would be fluid and have a lot more interesting elements. I think whether the person was male or female would also be less important...we'd bother getting to know them as a unique human, not as a gender. I know for many sex with certain genders grosses them out, and that's cool too, I'm just saying that if we were a little more openminded, and a little less apt to label ourselves, we'd have an easier go of it. How would there be another person passionate and crazy enough to even be so bold as to “throw away the bowlines” on relationships and explore together like this with me?

I am pretty sure, if I were to have to choose how I'd want my future "relationship" to look (that’s assuming I decide to have one again, and if I did, FYI, I sure wouldn't call it that, ever), I would say first, I gotta be ME. I have to be raw, honest, attentive, and open. I have to be willing to be rejected as myself. I want someone who adores ME, not my facade. Then, I say: I will be with a romantic adventure-mate. Not married in the sense we have come to know—but Reveling in Independence of Spirit, loving to watch the other go do something wacky, appreciating each others’ quirks, interesting-nesses, passions, and even more, enjoying coming back together to talk about what we both found out, and connecting endlessly in our experience of all of it. It's just so FUN and ENGAGING this way, we are just so curious and unbridled and fascinated as we live--awakened and really alive!! And yes, there will be shitstorms, and who cares? We will tackle them like we are deconstructing Conrad's Heart of Darkness!

As a side note of advice to future romantic adventurers, and to myself, be gentle with one another. When you are open and de-walled, kindness is imperative. When you are both attempting to forge an unknown road, it is wobbly and scary, and a lot of ideas have to be played with inside before you can share...it's trial and error to see what works. Being straightforward does not have to preclude tenderness. Honoring that the other is vulnerable (and knowing how scary that can feel when she is confused, when we think we messed up, or when we falter in the newness) is the greatest gift we can give. Be real with her, and please be careful with her. Don’t ruin the gorgeousness of her sensitivity. Make it safe, for you and her, to be so unprotected and so naturally beautiful, and sometimes, so inelegant.

So does this exist? Are humans even capable of it? Am I capable of it?

To the extent that the "commitment to passion" would be mutual and inherent (not stated publicly, signed legally, or officially agreed to in front of 500 "close, personal friends"), that the "rules" would be to make up our own together, and with a solid agreement ahead of time that we are going to go for it, in whatever off-the-wall ways we sense would be most fulfilling, then yes. With someone endlessly intellectually stimulating, like a personified brainstorm, and passionate, and real, and sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes fun, and, well, adventurous? Then, YES! And add in another adventure every time we make insanely amazing love borne of our respect, passion, and connection…because adventures happen everywhere when you choose to go on them, and they multiply in amazingness when you choose to wildly embark on them? FOR SURE YES! I think most people are way too scared of what others think to do any of this (unless you're an Aquarius or Sagittarius, you guys seem like you'd be up for it). 2 humans on a big shared adventure sprinkled with thousands of mini adventures!! WOW that sounds amazing--and super fun! Wait. How in the heck does that even work?

Does anything traditional have to hold, then? Does life then get to be finally "done together" as true partners in crime? Then, is there resentment or jealousy? Wouldn't the commitment be inherent in this team? Wouldn't loyalty be a given—not because it's demanded by some arbitrary biblical rule--but because it's naturally happening— since who else would you rather share this wild-as-you-can-make-it adventure with? Do you have to follow the prescribed steps like meet, (Year 1-2), date, kiss, have sex, move in, (year 1-5) get married, have kids, move kids out, then ummm...? Or do you meet where you both are, sculpt your own work of art that looks how you want it to look together? If both adventurers are being honest and realistic about their personal desires...then couldn't that be freeing? And would anyone else even have to know about it? They surely wouldn't understand if they did know about it. Oh dear. What would people SAY?

I think that is what most human relationships miss. Most people just don’t really connect, they act. Myself included. Of course, if you've shared openly, someone can psychoanalyze you. They can judge the real you. Most relationshipees share in a very calculated manner. We show only what we think would get us approval. I have stopped that (well, I am noticing when I do it still and changing it...soon I will not even do it at all!). I cannot have a connection if I do that. If someone doesn’t like my pain, my stumbles, my my incongruities, my insane passion, my quirks (or sees them as flaws), or likes them less than I do, welp—they’re welcome to head on out! And if I notice the sharing is unequal, whether they aren't sharing much, or I am not getting to share me openly, I am welcome to move on out, and I will! And that is okay, because I couldn’t have had a continued mutual connection with them, so life with them would have been vapid, confusing, or we would endure suffering that I could have prevented.

Recently I've recovered from 6 years of pretty much constant trauma. As I finally emerged, I connected with myself, and really saw myself, maybe for the first time ever. I hated half of it and loved about 1/16 of it, and had no clue what to EVEN do about the rest. Day by day I figure out a little piece here and there, or I don't figure it out and I just kinda grow to like it in the way you like Sheldon even though he's SO annoying. You know, like the Roommate Agreement. I think the only way I could enjoy any sort of partnership with anyone would be if someone knew this about me up front--that I have weird stuff, that I feel everything, that I don't always love myself, that I just get mad and sad about humanity or myself some days. And actually, maybe they kinda appreciate this... that even though I am not always “soulmate princess” caliber, I am at least authentic and paying attention. At least then they can be secure that I really like them since I'm being real about it? And I want someone who is there with themselves: maybe not proud of it all, but with the integrity and strength to be mostly honest (not too hard on themselves, just acknowledging it ain't all a cake walk sometimes) about it all. Who will share their process with me. That to me is much more beautiful than someone who's dead set that "perfect" is all she can show. I'd like someone brave enough to actually talk about her weirdnesses? Someone who is scared to share a feeling that she thinks makes her look disheveled mentally or emotionally, but does it anyway? Am I the only one who's not scared to do that with a partner? (Okay, I am petrified to do it...it IS scary, so let me ask, "Am I the only one willing to be scared, and do that anyway with a partner?") The big fear is that we have chosen someone who'd taken advantage of this in us. If we'd both connected from a place of truth first, we would be way less freaked out because we'd know the person, we'd know ourselves, and we'd know they knew us--and still loved us.

So when I say I want a connection, I mean a connection so awesome that imperfection, uniqueness, and independence are not just tolerated, but honored. Those knowing smiles back and forth like "oops, I did it again," and "you're so clumsy, and it's the hottest thing I've ever seen, so I want to pull you into that closet and make love to you right now" and "omg that person over there is a total idiot--maybe more than we are!" Then off onto Adventures in silly things like making stuff (“Sew very old one, sew like the wind…”)! Singing Karyoke! Playing that Zombie game on Xbox Kinect! Or kayaking! Or someone who would get a kick out of going to Market with me because I am so dedicated to seeing through a family business commitment? Not because they love the wares (or maybe they do) but because, hey, why not?! It will be fun!!

If connection is truly the base, there’s one initial connection that I can’t help. I feel it deep down. And it is rare and ecstatic. I may ignore it a lot, but it won't go away. I finally owned up to this space in me. I hear it's called intuition. I had finally figured out mental, emotional, and some spiritual, and then WHAM! I realize there's another world in me I have to pay attention to and integrate. I feel when something is wrong, and I feel when something is right. This year, I decided to trust it, no matter how "horrible" it may look to society's deemed "right ways."

The deep intuitive knowing of another may happen once in a lifetime. Like—here’s a kindred spirit. Here is a person you can feel breathing even when they're a thousand miles away. I had it once a long time ago. It was amazing for a while, until I tried to "rule-ify" it. I didn't stay with the connection, I didn't honor it. I let society win. I played the game, and lost miserably. Of course back then, I didn't know what I wanted to do with that connection. This is such a rare space of meeting another on Earth that I cannot let another time go by without honoring the beauty of it by knowing myself well, trusting my deepest self's knowing, and being true to it. And of course, then by being authentic about it, and staying in that space with someone unabashedly, no matter how scared I am it will be taken advantage of or crushed by society.

I am not freezing this time. Okay I'm freezing sometimes...and I am sure I will when I am unsure of someone's feelings towards me (especially if I am feeling a way deeper connection with them--especially one that catches me off guard-- and am unsure of how to deal with this IN ME)...but not big picture. In this moment I am at least staying awake and honoring my path is a little wackadoodle and slow.

Every day I make sure I open up to something I feel with people and say it or show it...it may be one tiny wonderfulness and not a sweeping declaration...but maybe this is a good thing! And every day I go home and write down something about myself that I've learned, and with this knowledge, I go forward, being a bit more of who I truly am (even if it might not get others' approval). And every day I learn something else about the people with whom I like being connected, and about others I encounter, and I am hearing this and I am honoring it. Even when I might lose them.

I can’t explain this deep connection in earthling terms. Honestly it is beyond me. It is not a feeling, it is a knowing. I know it's real, in fact, more real than all the stuff we usually give credence to as being reality here on this planet. I don't know how it looks in regular daily life together, but I know it in my bones. My choice now is to stop being afraid of it...to stop being afraid of exploring myself so I can really embrace the connection (or realize it was ephemeral based on something less real than I thought--man I did NOT want to know this before now. Now I want to know it because I want the bandaid ripped off in a second, not a four year pull, which hurts the puller as much as the pull-ee. I choose to explore it further, even though I am scared of it).

Of course anyone you "know" can change somewhat suddenly too, at any time, even 40 years in! So it's not like I can make a rule to know someone fully before I jump--because stuff happens! So, my question becomes: can I be okay with NOT knowing them fully? Can I trust my inner knowing, then trust myself to stay awake enough to catch it if I was wrong about my intuition? Then wouldn't exploring be okay?

I think now, what would be neat is if I consciously choose to DO something about the initial connection as it slightly deepens, like, oh, I don't know, say really getting to know them in fun, and easy, and difficult, and impossible situations. I think it would be really awesome if I could hold that space of wonder and open-mindedness about someone I am connecting with. I think that deeper connection would further evolve in this space (or it would end MUCH sooner with a lot less suffering for all). I haven’t experienced this fully, I am starting to open to my sense that it exists as a way of life, though.

Only Connect.

-em forster

I see it this way: A connection is first just felt on the highest and deepest levels we can access as humans. Then, it's developed consciously in discovering the other person, and being totally aware of one’s self and one’s senses while we do. It is suddenly and magically, not the meeting, but the realizing they've been here all along. The sudden magic part often happens at first when you realize you are connecting with someone--and you are connecting in an awe-inspiring phantasmagorical way! But then, we must hold that magic space! So far, it's easy when I hold myself tenderly. I'll tell you how a connection is NOT developed. It's not developed through sex. I cringe when people say they think sex should come first so you can create a connection. Great sex comes from just being crazy attracted to someone you wholly know, and you know them as "imperfect," and you both are at a point where you throw up your hands, grin, and say "oh well!" about your own imperfections as well.

Can great sex happen just from a connection--before you really know someone? Maybe? But will we hold to that magic when we see them inside? And will we still want to connect with them? And do we attach them to a "moment" instead of seeing them as a whole person? And how many get hurt because it turns out we couldn't sustain that one initial connection for long but we treated it like it was God? I want to walk into love. I want to savor NOT touching yet, just feeling the energy rise between us. I want to revel in our Light together so that the physical progression is sacred, and every single touch means something...until someday a kiss means everything.

People who start with sex or try to use it as a means to connect or stay connected, cannot know the other person deeply yet, and so how could they possibly connect with them in the rest of reality? They could maybe. The chances would be higher if you were very intuitive and open to however it might go. But I think most of us default to our old ways and it most likely won't be as great when we wake up in 3 years. If it could, I'd be all for it!! I just haven't seen it happen--and I am not choosing to try that method.

So, who dares to truly know someone inside and out and then sleep together?

Since when did doing things become the only adventurous way? What about the adventure in not catering to every swirl of connection? That is wild right there. The idea of staying open without closing your eyes and plunging. It's too...unknown!! It's too...OMG I am just observing and not doing and humans are supposed to DO STUFF!! Do I/you value uninhibited joy at all costs because it's daring and wild? Do I/you value safety? Are we so black and white we only see those two options? Would we dare to mix those two up unabashedly?

It is safer to leap before we feel a deeper connection or knowing someone because it's easier--we can walk away saying "they were just a fling!" They didn't know me. I didn't realize they were _____...no way, man!" We are afraid to pause, and leap after we really know someone because it’s so scary! All our insecurities and doubts about ourselves, our bodies, our whatever, are already known…and then they come out even more with the idea of being that close to someone.

Making love to someone means they see me. All of me. Raw. As if I’m not an open enough book already. If I have sex first, I connect from a place that is only a part of me, and so from that space, someone can never love all of me…or me them. But then they can never disapprove of me either…because they can’t get to me. Making love to someone who knows me, so they can see me even more, and I am not 100% sure they really get how weird/annoying/ugly/messy I am (in whatever way: insert your issue here ____), Goodness, that scares me just typing it. Yet, I want it. Just like that.

When marriages usually start out this way...based mostly on physical attraction and little connection, then the sex wanes and you get to know each other…really get to know each other, as you get thrown a few of life's curve balls, and you get to see how you manage those as a team--or not. And half the time, people aren't only not in love with that person, they don’t even like them.

I think a lot of us cannot connect with others deeply because when we don't know our true selves, we pick and grab what's easiest. We subconsciously compartmentalize sex, love, marriage, and life into un-mixable entities—when in reality they are all connected. I don’t think it’s our fault, I think this is just what society has done and what we are trained to think "works" or is correct. And most of us never even question it, we just accept the mediocrity. But it doesn't make for happiness, excitement, or fulfillment, does it? It makes for stress, boredom, and emptiness—even when we are physically with the person we are supposed to love. I don't think this is going to work for happily ever after, either.

Making love, for me, now must evolve out of a true knowing of one another...because the more I know someone and just adore who they are, and I love myself (or at least am somewhat impressed with who I am over 50% of the time) too, the deeper it gets. And it just exponentially spirals!! To me, this is what a true soulmate would look like. The sense that you get them and they get you—and the parts we don’t get are just fascinating…that, to me, is sexy beyond anything...and just so insanely alluring I cannot even take it! When a woman knows herself and is devil-may-care about it, when she’s fiercely independent, and highly intelligent...if I am being myself fully, I could dive into all that mentally with her...oh my goodness... I am just…well this would change into a wholly different genre if I kept writing.

I can imagine that it would feel more and more passionate the more I connected with someone who fascinated me, and whom I truly really absolutely liked, and whom I deeply knew appreciated me, too, because of how they showed it. This makes making love more than sex to me...and I like it.

The first time I felt it--a deeper connection, I did not know myself at all--I didn't want to--I never made any choice regarding it. I just kinda sat there and thought, "Man! This is radical, dude!" And I am not even sure, without my new idea of adventuring and exploring each moment together, it would have been more than a sedentary lifestyle. You know, the proverbial and prized “settling down”? (What in the world made us prize that anyways? I do not want to settle at all! Yes, I want safety, and a sense of trust, or that I can count on someone, but I sure as heckfire don’t want to be settled down—DOWN? I’d consider settling UP maybe…).

What will I do when I awaken to and honor the connection now? Well, only time will tell. The initial connection, the developed connection, it’s always happening …but I have been only half of myself often, and only a shell sometimes, and my whole self maybe only a handful of times--albeit a lot more now than ever before. As I crack open who I am, and start making my own decisions, and choose explore how I feel and what kinds of choices I want to make, and consciously reveal my wackadoodle true self…the good the bad the ugly…how will it go? Will I know what to do with it, or how to honor it? Will I talk myself out of it because of fear of "acceptable" expectations? Will I leap or will I stay present--whatever that means? Will I know how to do so while being compassionate for her feelings even if I do not know them? Will I know she has it too on a level that isn't only spiritual?

What would happen then? What would happen if I was awake in this connection, open about it, and totally myself? What if I believed in my knowing...a knowing I've had forever and am finally willing to own up to and go with? Will she know I am scared too because I am being so brave? Will she be brave enough to imagine life outside the lines? She could recoil in disgust, and run like a banshee, she could be petrified of it, she could be vulnerable and open, she could even love it all. I know that I don’t know, and I’m kind of excited about the uncertainty all of the potential reactions! Each one a chance for me to be even more aware of who I am, and stand strong in it—Gabrielle costume on, staff in hand, and ready to take on the world with Xena Warrior Princess (which could be her, my alter ego, or the actual Xena…I can’t rule anything out when I am starting a wholly new experience of me, and when I haven’t the slightest idea what that looks like--much less how it would pair with another human being!).

WHAT IF WE COULD:

Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas,

intoxicated by the Romance of the unusual.

-Ernest Hemingway

And with the lure of the unusual, let it be a deeper lure, into her unusual soul, and into mine…not a shiny new lure of another, but our lures…hidden within our thousand loves, scars, losses, victories & darknesses. The lure of a shared adventure to discovering everything we can about ourselves, us, life, The Universe, and everything.

So, my realization is that once I’m willing to lay myself bare (consciously, over time), I can allow someone in: a new vision of a soulmate, not a marriage partner, but a fellow romantic adventurer. And I am willing to do that, as strange and scary as it is with all these unknowns.

I do have one set of "knowns" though…it’s her mind…it’s her quirks…her daring to choose her own path--not one of society's...it’s my fearless authenticity…my appreciation of what I love about myself…it’s someone who appreciates my mind…it's adventurous always…at the same time, it’s very real…and it’s completely different from anything I’ve ever known. Of course, therein lies the issue! I have no knowing here! I think the fellow romantic-soul-adventurer is both practical and exciting…practical because it’s something I allow myself to fully experience, don’t rush, force myself to be authentic even when it’s not pretty, or is uncomfortable, and realistic in that I do connect even more to this person the more I actually do know her. I like knowing the direction of connection gets deeper, not splayed and forking apart. This is a good feeling for me.

And so, I’m now choosing to let myself know others…to see them…to listen from a place of fascination and not as a course on how I should be for them to like me…and I will let them really know me…and I shall make conscious choices all based upon “Is this a worthy adventurer?” and I am sure others will do the same about me!

I finally have a truth about relationships, one I can authentically share in pieces of who I am, and enjoy finding out if she has a similar truth…and this allows us to know if those naturally merge. And I realize my truth is not “a traditional relationship” or “a marriage,” nor is it to find my archaic “soulmate.” It is to share life, discovering myself, discovering someone else, creating adventures with them, and going deeper relishing in someone's alluring brilliant awesomeness--someone who has gradually come to fully amaze me, fascinate me, support me, and empower me to be me in all my magical awesomeness.

So, I hereby change "Happily Ever After" to "Connecting Every Moment to Infinity!" If I see red flags, I pay attention. If it feels like I am hiding myself, I show myself and see what happens. If I feel a connection, I honor it. If I don't know, I ask. If her actions and words do not match up, I look at my own inconsistencies. If I reach an impasse, I recognize it and let her go. If I love her more than a feeling, beyond thoughts, and outside the lines, then I choose her, and I say so, and with that allow an infinite connection no matter what happens on earth with us. If she is not as clear as I am, I honor that with patience and compassion. If she says no, then I expand to other yes's. If she says yes, then history is about to be made!

If the old version of "Happily Ever After" held true, then I would only be assured of it at the moment I pass from this world. Of course, who knows, maybe not even then. This does me absolutely NO good! So, HEA is hereby stricken from the record!

Ahhh, welcome to CEMTI :) I bet my next adventure is right around the corner…

Yep! Here it is!

I AND THIS MYSTERY, HERE WE STAND.

-WW

(No ex’s were harmed in the writing of this article. Although my sincerest apologies for those who fell prey to my total inability to honor myself or them. Please consider donating energy to the Alien on Earth Forgiveness Fund in memory of the misguided girl who unintentionally hurt others.)

What is your mystery? Are you a willing adventurer? What is it about traditional relationship roles that has attracted you to them? Have you considered another path? What serves you best in relationships? What is your take on soulmates, marriage, and romantic adventure mates?

#SOULMATES #love #lesbian #marriage #family #advice #alien #40s #Now